MISSING: Earbuds

NAME: iPhone earbuds
AGE: 14 months
LAST SEEN: In my jacket pocket
LIKELY WHEREABOUTS: Somewhere in my house. Or somewhere else.
REWARD: Handshake and verbal affirmation of gratitude.

God and Text Messaging?

GOD TEXTS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
by Jamie Quatro

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg’s
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.
M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?

HT: McSweeney

Lovely Bones and Beating up Bad Guys

Don't you ever want to beat up the bad guy? Or at least hinder the bad guy. Who hasn't silently urged a character not to go into the villain's house or not to get into the car or run faster?  "Get away from him! Run and don't look back!!" Better yet, have you ever wanted to punish the villain yourself?

Sometimes I imagine stories ending differently. I like to replay scenes in my mind, changing the plot at pivotal moments. For example, in the scene in The Lovely Bones where the "neighborly" serial killer lures Suzie Salmon into his underground lair, I imagine someone (myself, actually) driving up, blowing the horn, making a bunch of noise, getting out, and interrupting the murder, sending little Suzie home running scared. I say something like, "I know who you are. I know what you are." My hand is holding a handgun (am I a cop in the fantasy?) and I don't take my eyes off of him. Somehow I bind him and call the cops, never taking my eyes off of him. Maybe I even beat the guy to a pulp while I wait.

I don't know why I picture it like this. It is silly for obvious reasons (it assumes I would even be able to stop the bad guy without having myself and the other killed), but why do I think this? Perhaps it is my sense of "manliness." That is, I should be able to control things, to keep bad things from happening or to make things right (like Suzie's dad), not wanting to feel weak, unable, incompetent, or whatever. I've never been in a fight, so maybe this is an outlet for frustration and past resentment. Perhaps it is a sense of justice, though the feelings and imagined actions are far from "Christian virtues." More likely, it is my sense of justice. "This is how I think it should happen. This is how I think the villain should be punished."


The problem is this: we just don't have that kind of control. Satan wants us to think we do have control, however. Thus, we dwell on the past, dreaming on "what might have been." Instead, we should try to accept the current situation, acknowledging our inability to change the past, and realize that we can only change our attitude and response. But this is easier said than done.

Last year my dad cut down a tree at my grandfather's house. The tree fell, somehow rolling back toward him, but when he tried to step back or aside he tripped, fell, and the tree rolled on top of him, the pressure of which cut off his breathing. My grandfather was there. He's about 80 and tried to get the tree off but couldn't, finally having to yell for help. The ambulance didn't get there in time.

Sometimes, though, I imagine what would've happened had I been there. I picture myself suggesting that Dad cut the tree at a different spot, causing the tree to fall in a different direction. Or I see myself pushing him out of the way when the tree starts to roll. Or I see myself receiving some unnatural strength and rolling the tree off him. Such thoughts do no good but only serve to fabricate a false reality that merely distracts from living.

Listen to little Stoic wisdom:

Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions. 

The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed. 

Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself to be carried, even with a slight tendency, towards the attainment of lesser things. Instead, you must entirely quit some things and for the present postpone the rest. But if you would both have these great things, along with power and riches, then you will not gain even the latter, because you aim at the former too: but you will absolutely fail of the former, by which alone happiness and freedom are achieved. 

Work, therefore to be able to say to every harsh appearance, "You are but an appearance, and not absolutely the thing you appear to be." And then examine it by those rules which you have, and first, and chiefly, by this: whether it concerns the things which are in our own control, or those which are not; and, if it concerns anything not in our control, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you. (Epictetus, The Enchiridion 1)

I certainly can't change the past. I can't even change the present...only my attitude and perception. When bad things happen, I just have to trust God, who will make all wrongs right.

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." (Rom 12:19 ESV).

Justice will be dealt. Perhaps not as quickly as you want it, but it will come. My Dad wasn't murdered like Suzie Salmon, but Jesus will avenge him by destroying death itself (1 Cor 15:26). That gives me peace.

The Lovely Bones was pretty morbid, but the message was real. Bad things happen but you have to let them go and move on. Though He may not have been in the minds of the author or director, God must be trusted to make things right. He is the One who is able. He is the One who is just.

It's alive....IT'S ALIVE!!!!

I'm proud to announce that Clyde, my beloved 1100cc motorized horse, has awakened from his winter slumber. He is typically very difficult to wake up (as most old men are), but after the wind and wet ground caused him to fall onto his side yesterday, he cranked right up (after I picked him up and rolled him into the carport).

You may be thinking, "Wow...Clyde is the coolest name in the world for a motorcycle!" Well, thank you! I endowed this beast with said moniker quite easily because for a very long time I have considered Clyde to be the most masculine name in the English language. It reeks of testosterone. It makes me think of biceps, tattoos, body hair, and B.O.--the four elements of manliness (maybe not B.O.).

Clyde is a 1987 Honda Shadow 1100 that I obtained through a sweet deal with my uncle. Having seen better days, Clyde is not in the best shape. Here are a few battle scars this warrior has obtained:

• No third gear (which makes cruising through a busy town tricky)
• Speedometer does not work (I think I'm getting good at reading the RPM, though)
• No right battery cover (as the picture indicates)
• Right front blinker is connected by electrical tape.
• Choke gave up the ghost last fall.
• Unknown mileage (see the second item in the list)

Other than that, it's in good shape!

There is something liberating about riding a motorcycle on a sunny day. You feel free to take in the surroundings, marveling at God's wonderful Creation, but at the same time you feel wild and powerful. I think that is how God meant for men to be. Wild and free...but in love with Him.

Listen to some of the first recorded words of God to man in the beginning:

And God blessed them. And God said to them, 'Be fruitful, and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.' (Gen. 1:28 ESV, emphasis mine)

Did you hear that?! "Here Adam...take this entire world and subdue it. I put it under your dominion." God didn't say, "Now Adam, you be a good little boy. Mind your manners. Don't get your clothes dirty when you go out to play. And please keep your voice down...you're not an animal, you know. Oh, and don't wander too far away...you might get hurt." NO! God said, Take this creation and subdue it. He didn't emasculate Adam and make him think and act like a woman (he would later give him an awesome gift that sparked a poetic outburst in Adam, a gift that he would love more than his own body, but that's a different story).


I wonder what Adam thought. "Do what? How do I subdue it? Where do I start? What should I do? Do I have what it takes? I can't do this." I don't know what he thought, really. But if I were in Adam's shoes, those are questions I would have asked, sadly.

I like to think that Adam didn't have those insecurities. After all, he had a Father who walked with him and, no doubt, taught him everything he needed to know about being a man. He had a Father who went on adventures with him, bonding with him. God created Adam for adventure.

"But motorcycles are dangerous." True...but men need to be a little dangerous sometimes. I saw a lion in a zoo a couple of years ago and it was one of the saddest sights. Here was the "king of the jungle" being gawked at by creatures he would normally have for supper. He was meant to be in the wild, free from bondage, but he was trapped...captured. Sure, he has some grass, a tree, and big rock for naps, but he just seemed boring. When you put a lion in a cage, it loses something.

The same thing can happen to a man. When you put a man in a cubicle or on a pew or anywhere and tell him his job is just to be nice, he loses something. Morality, kindness, gentleness, are all virtuous and quite important, but why not do those things and walk with God. Jesus is the Lamb of God and the Lion of Judah. 

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10, ESV)

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. (1 Cor. 16:13, ESV)

Book Review: Historical Criticism of the Bible

Eta Linneman
Historical Criticism of the Bible: Methodology or Ideology?
Grand Rapids/Baker Book House, 1990. Pp. 169. Paperback.

A penitent, former historical-critical theologian, Eta Linnemann provides a first-hand perspective of historical-critical theology. Having studied under Bultmann, Fuchs, Gogarten, and Ebeling (p. 17) in West Germany, where Christian liberal arts universities were virtually non-existent, Linnemann attained great prestige in her field but upon her realization that the historical-critical method of theology offers no good service to God (rather, quite the opposite), she recanted and in 1978 even threw away her previous writings that had won her so much honor. She stated this well in her first paragraph of introduction: “My ‘No!’ to historical-critical theology stems from my glorious redemption he accomplished for me on Golgotha” (p. 17).

The methodology of Linnemann’s study is both destructive and constructive. First, she critiques the historical-critical method, offering a history concerning its origins in paganism, its true motivation, and the firm position it holds in many universities. With Linnemann’s experience in historical-critical theology, she is certainly qualified to inform readers the mentality of this method of interpretation (chapter 8). Second, she constructs a model which can be used to found Christian universities, even including educational objects and a plan of study. Finally, she concludes her study by biblical analysis of the Word of God and a plea to “search the Scriptures” (p. 159).

Section one is titled “Christianity and the Modern University.” In chapter one, Linnemann begins at the beginning by tracing modern universities to their pagan roots, informing readers that “the university in Athens was closed because of its pagan character” in 529 B. C. (p. 23). She adds that the modern university is not steered by a desire to know truth but by humanism and its group dynamics. Instead of someone pursuing knowledge freely, Linnemann suggests that “the individual is granted freedom only insofar as that person’s work can be integrated into the traditional framework of the discipline” (p. 28). She later adds that the so-called “Faith of Theology” is fraught with presuppositions and bias, such as the denial of the possibility of divine revelation, and that it [critical intellect] “judges by fleshly standards” (p. 108).

In addition to this history of interpretation, in chapter three Linnemann provides a biblical parallel to the paganism in modern universities. After King Solomon died and the kingdom was divided, Jeroboam changed the place, time, object, and priesthood of worship, bringing paganism to Israel on an institutional level. The points that Linnemann emphasize are the Israelites’ silence and later forgetfulness at the apostasy of their king. While many were deceived at Jeroboam’s claim that the golden calves had delivered them out of Egypt, “those who were in a position to know better—and there must have been some in Israel—held their peace” (p. 46), which has a clear implication for students and professors today. Further, it is interesting, as Linnemann notes, that the Israelites so quickly forgot the gravity of this sin. A similar event occurred a few centuries before at the foot of Sinai, but was quickly put down by Moses, Joshua, and Levites. However, the prophet from Bethel had no one on his side when he confronted Jeroboam, which is comparable to a modern stand against the historical-critical method.

Linnemann also provides a fair critique of the historical-critical method. Chapter eight reveals the “mentality” of the method as operating under the assumption that there is no God (p. 116). This assumption is connected to the presupposition that the Bible is the product of the human mind and can only be understood through the methods of historical science (p. 115) and “group dynamics” (p. 28) in this discipline do not foster intellectual freedom but stifle growth because of the traditions of the study. In short, pride and ambition lead scholars to conformity with the atheistic mindset of the historical-critical method. Linnemann strikes the proverbial nail on the head when she says, “There is truth only in Jesus. In humanism truth is replaced by recognition, a prestige wrapped up in the conferring and accepting of honor” (p. 28).

Though there are many strong points in this book, one weakness may be Linnemann’s impassioned writing. She is certainly zealous and passionate about the dangers of the historical-critical method but because of the fiery language toward this model of interpretation, some may dismiss her claims as being emotionally driven. On the other hand, though, the urgency of her message may win some who study in and have been taught with the historical-critical method.

Gotta Love the KJV

A lot of people have been “booing” to the King James Version lately, and not for terrible reasons. I love the KJV and believe that it is the most beautiful artifact of the English language, but I don’t think it was the translation “authorized” by God as the “King James Only” advocates suggest because it certainly has problems (it is based on the Textus Receptus—an inferior manuscript collection—and has some Calvinistic tendencies; cf. Acts 2:47). However, here I want to suggest some good things about the KJV that are just FUN.


Do you have any of those pesky homophobes in your church? Well...pull this little ace out of your sleeve and silence the haters:

“…and ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing…” (James 2:3). 

BOO YA. And men rush to the mall to purchase that pink tie they've been eying. 

And who can forget the verse that every preacher secretly loves to shout from the pulpit...

“then are ye bastards, and not sons” (Hebrews 12:8)

But wait, there's more! Try reading this one in a Bible class full of gray-haired ladies:

“If I leave...by the morning light any of them that pisseth against the wall” (1 Sam. 25:22 and 5 other places). 

I don’t know what’s funnier: the archaic ending (like “he that barfeth in the toilet”) or the overall description!

And last but certainly not least, the verse whose veiled meaning turned grown preacher students into a group of hysterical 12-year-olds:

“We have been with child, we have been in pain, we have as it were brought forth wind” (Isaiah 23:18).

There you have it, folks....farting in the Bible. I won't elaborate on a man who "hath his stones broken" (Lev. 21:20), which, let's just say, isn't talking about his landscaping.

Bondage and Liberty--a Vicious Cycle

History repeats itself.

I love the story of the Maccabean revolt . Antiochus IV "Epiphanes" ("God manifest"), in his quest to control Egypt, tried to gain power of Palestine. When he saw the Jews' rebellion, he came down with an iron fist, offering pigs in the Jewish Temple and even putting an altar to Zeus in the Most Holy place on Dec. 25, 167 B.C. Further, he required all Jews to eat unclean food, which the Law forbade, and sent representatives to ensure the Jews complied.

Mattathias, a rural priest from Modein, welcomed the representatives with his sword, literally "tearing them a new one." Eventually his son, Judas Maccabeus, drove out the oppressors and cleansed the temple on Dec. 25, 164 B.C., exactly three years after it had been defiled.

But here is the ironic part....the descendants of Mattathias and Judas, who had fought so valiantly against the corrupt Syrians, became just as corrupt as their oppressors!! Simon, the son of Judas, dressed himself in purple (the color of royalty) and placed tablets throughout the country, informing the people of his valiant deeds, conspicuously leaving out his father and grandfather. Later, Alexander Jannaeus would crucify 800 Pharisees because they opposed his politics. Government corruption at its finest.

What strikes me is this vicious cycle of bondage to liberty to bondage. I'm no historian, but it seems to repeat itself. This had happened a long time before Mattathias when God delivered Israel from the Egyptians, only to be rejected by His people in favor of a king "like the nations" (1 Samuel 8:5). A casual reading of the Old Testament will show some of the kings of Judah and Israel to be just as or even more corrupt than their former oppressors.

How is the U.S. faring? You be the judge.

How is the church faring? In some places, very well. In others, no so much. Those who have been freed from their sins turn into cruel taskmasters, forcing others to conform to their traditions (Matt. 15:9). History truly repeats itself....I read a story about a minister in seminary who viciously attacked another institution that he considered to be doctrinally weak but later sought help from another minister, confessing that he (who was married with children and preaching) was addicted to pornography and had visited a prostitute on three occasions. All head, no heart.

Thank God that "for freedom Christ freed us" (Galatians 5:1). We are the captives of Jesus Christ the Righteous (Eph. 4:8; 1 John 2:2), not unrighteous man. May we have courage to follow our Lord to the cross and be abused by wicked men who love their traditions more than God. Perhaps through self-sacrifice God can work through us and break their hardened hearts.